you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Fuck me I smell like cheese
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
