i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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