You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
