You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
