Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
