Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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