My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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