Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
