My sheets look like a crime scene.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
