Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
