I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
