I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
