I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
