I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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