They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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