I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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