i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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