If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
