Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
