I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
