I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
