I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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