the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
