Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
