Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
