I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
