WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
