false alarm. still invincible.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
