I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
