I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
