Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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