where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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