I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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