Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros, bitch!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
