I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
