he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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