Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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