just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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