I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
