I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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