Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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