on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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