did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize