there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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