please come you make the beer taste better
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
