Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
