I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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