i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
