i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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