In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
