my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
