Just fell off a train. Bad.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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