So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
